ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You Might Also Like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.