‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*