How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You Might Also Like
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]