If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from