Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
concern
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I found your tweet-up…
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?