I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong