I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Noah was an idiot.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.