INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Was it something I said?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.