Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
#polloftheday
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]