DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.