cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
tourist season
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.