Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge