It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me doing my best
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
A drum solo but on your face.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.