I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You Might Also Like
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”