Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.