I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.