You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My patience has stretch marks.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Incredible customer service.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*