*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..