Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
You Might Also Like
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty