The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”