[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
describing stardew valley
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda