I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.