My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don鈥檛 remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it鈥檚 socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
having a bad day today. 馃様 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
The Mrs: Why haven鈥檛 you done laundry?
Me: I鈥檓 recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I鈥檓 also recycling my excuses
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.