Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.