If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Ugh
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir