killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I feel seen.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.