Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.