ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet