My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.