There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese