Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench