ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.