I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’m confused about plants
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.