As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
You Might Also Like
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.