If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about