A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
what kind of cook setting is this??
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke