America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[eulogy]
line?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?