My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*