Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Whoa 😂
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”