Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Pee pressure > peer pressure
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.