Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.