[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.