[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.