I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home