[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Is this you?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!