me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.