*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
You Might Also Like
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Pandas 🐼🖤
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.