I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this