[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
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NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.