If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith